Happy Made Up Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day. My friend, Michelle, reminded me that Mother’s Day, like Valentine' s Day, is made up. Why would we need to make up a holiday? Silverback gorilla females increase their status in the group if they have a baby. Is that what this day is? Do our gorilla brains need to sort out who is higher and lower status based on our reproductive abilities?
I’m being cynical. Give me some grace. It’s a day that is complicated for many, even someone like me, who has two beautiful boys here on earth and one who is not.
So, on this artificial holiday, I am writing with a call to action. My call to action: Let’s look at how we, as a society, treat one another. We love having in and out groups.
This - us vs them mentality - is nothing but kindergarten emotional intelligence. We categorize because it is easy. I like what is like me, and dislike what isn’t.
The us vs them mentality that’s rocking my world is how we treat addicts and those who are not addicted. And what gets me is that we’ve let the free market determine that Pharmaceutical Companies, Rehabilitation Centers, and Insurance Companies are the winners of the cool people vs addict story.
Relapse to opioids is above 80%, meaning this isn’t a problem with willpower. This is a problem with a system set up to ensure people like my son are hooked. We all understand that if you give rats opioids, they will pick them over anything - food, sex, water. And yet, society chants it’s a lack of willpower that got people into the craving.
I’ve been told that anyone can be an addict if given the right substance. Some brains get there with downers, others with uppers. Honestly, I’ve heard that if you do meth a few times, then there’ll be no other future but for you to live for meth.
In making these crazy categories - good us, bad them, we’ve forgotten that expansion leads to growth. My heart doesn’t need fewer people to love, and honestly, neither does yours.
No one will disagree with the following meaningless example.
For a while, the adults in our community ruined Halloween. First, my kids weren’t allowed to wear costumes to school. Instead, their schools celebrated ‘Literature Dress Up Day’ on October 31. Students could come to school dressed up in a costume only if the costume was someone from a book. And not just any book, it had to be a book that is literature. We found books on superheroes, ninjas, and scary ghosts, but the school had gotten ahead of us; those were not allowed. The person they were dressing up had to be from ‘GOOD LITERATURE.’
One year, Halloween fell on a Sunday, and some of the crazy moms got together and changed the day of trick or treating to Saturday. I guess, because Sunday was only for a God who they thought didn’t like candy or Batman costumes.
What made it really odd was that only a handful of people knew about the date switch. When kids started showing up at our house on the wrong day, we weren’t sure if we could then, in turn, show up at their house on the real day.
The final kill shot to a community Halloween experience was trunk-or-treat at the neighborhood church, a place we didn’t belong.
I wonder how much of the weird tension my children picked up. Being a little kid around all these adults who were afraid of dressing up, must have been confusing. I know my kids had to pick up the message that we were not one of the in crowd.
Our fmaily one Halloween where everyone kept changing their idea for a costume until everyone was a mismatch.
What I learned is that when my community becomes smaller, it doesn't make me any better.
AA says that addiction is a disease of the spirit needing a spiritual solution. One man I admire who has been sober for a while doesn’t believe in God, but he believes in his home AA group.
May we all find a spiritual solution like him. May we all open our arms to everyone and be everyone’s home group.
If you’re looking for more on addiction - https://open.substack.com/pub/storiesandstanza/p/when-grief-becomes-the-guest-a-conversation?r=1st26h&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=post%20viewer
Nature as a mirror. From an osprey fighting a heron on a lake, to the Milky Way on a canoe trip in Sweden, to the desert outside Phoenix that looked exactly like what her heart felt — Katie and I both found that nature often holds the words when we can’t.
And if you need to remember that you probably were a darned great Mom, take a listen to this: Fractles of Change - Dr. Schmidt reminded me about some things I didn’t mess up.https://podcasts.apple.com/bz/podcast/feeling-felt/id1783825694?i=1000766213246
It’s also here:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2BxREwlozM7Gwe2tzDly8z?si=QDKfIWzvT32Qxo-Lu6WHbg
“We are mammals… designed to co-regulate… in a body-to-body conversation.” — Dr. Megan Schmidt
So Happy Mother’s Day to all who participate.
And I’m going to try to spend the day grateful for thee boys who made my heart grow three sizes.
