A gentle reminder to me every morning

Every morning I need a reminder. 

Katie, 

Yep. It’s still true. Sorry. 

Every day you try to make your world into the one it was before. It isn’t ever gonna be. 

And then by noon you remember you can only control one thing - you.  But then you try to be the old you. And you can stop that now; she’s gone.

And all the thinking and mulling it over won’t change a thing. Nicholas isn’t coming back no matter how hard you work on understanding why, or how, or what if. 

Be gentle with yourself - losing a kid? You gotta remember that’s some big-time trauma. 

Living with someone deep in addiction, well, that too is a special kind of hell. 

Find some more grace for you, your family, and especially for Nicholas, because that unfairness could become an addiction just the same. 

Pet the dogs when they look at you with those sweet eyes, and there’s no place to go to more important, so walk them even longer. 

When Nick goes to swim, or asks to watch a show, you’re not too busy. Join him. 

The old you, the one that was efficient and got shit done, well maybe she doesn’t need to do that anymore. What shit needs your attention that is more important than your peace? 

There are no shoulds except for taking photos of Max and Anya with their kittens or listening to Joey and his newfound love of travel.

Find the soft places in the world and lean in. It’s not your job to rub down the sharp points anymore. 

You’ve got people. I know you don’t want them. You want to be independent with people leaning on you, but that's a mirage. 

Remember, all is not lost; the universe didn’t abandon you. It feels that way, but why not you? Accidents happen, no matter how hard you love. 

Al-Anon says that you don’t see the world the way it is: you see it the way you are. And you are broken, messy, grieving, and trying to figure out what the point of all this is. 

Maybe no shoulds today or have tos. Maybe being is good enough. 

Call to all the pieces of you that ran and hid in the shadows, “Come back out; We might get knocked out, but that’s the assignment, to get back up.”

Mark the days not by days away from him (or closer to him) but days with your boys (and dogs) here on earth. 

It’s true: you’re born alone and die alone. Don’t live alone too. 

You’re gonna forget all this when you go to sleep tonight. Tomorrow you’ll wake up and start this crazed drive to perform again. Read this.