Becoming
Max came to visit for a week and time sped up. This morning I took him to the airport so that he could go back to his life. On the way, he connected his phone and played music in the car. I dropped him off and drove away with tears spilling from my eyes.
It didn’t help that his music, a Pink Floyd song, went staticky and then there was nothing.
Don’t ask if I circled the airport to keep the connection.
***
A long time ago, one of my friends said something to the effect of: Living is one long lesson in letting go.
At the time, with three kids under the age of five, I didn’t understand. Now, this phrase feels tattooed on my eyelids.
***
Speaking of letting go, there’s a video on Instagram by npcdad1.
It begins with an image of three generations hiking in the woods. The caption says - Maturity is realizing that although your parents are just a chapter in your life, you are the whole book in theirs.
Good god.
It’s not true. And also, it is totally true, especially with a dead kid.
***
I’ve never been involved in publishing a book, so I’ve learned a ton the last few months. Last week, I uploaded each picture in a specific form, and then got one last look at the whole manuscript before it was sent off.
It’s pretty much done on my part because I found out that -
“Now that you are in the design phase, the ONLY changes permitted will be to correct facts, spellings, syntax, grammar, formatting mistakes or typographical errors. Any changes beyond those will not be made unless preapproved by the publisher, executive editor, or senior editor.”
It feels complete.
***
The book is beautiful.
The audio version is available for pre-order on Amazon, which almost stopped my heart.
The cover designer sent me five cover concepts and asked me to rank them all. Although each one was amazing I do have one favorite. In a few days Koehler will post two and then let the people on the internet vote on the best cover.
***
Colin Campbell wrote my favorite grief book, Finding the Words. Somehow I hit the jackpot and he is writing the foreword to my book. On Wednesday, I got to speak to him on Zoom. Colin talked about Nicholas as if he knew him.
***
YouRowKelsey- the first woman to row solo from California to Hawaii- shared a bit about giving herself grace on her Instagram page. This came after she was disappointed in herself for falling asleep when she should have been rowing. Anyone who can sleep in two-hour stretches and leave refreshed is superhuman, and that’s the job she signed up for.
And I always need a reminder to give more grace.
***
This week I spoke with Marie Alessi about shame in addiction and grief -
potify
And on The Parent Tap we talked about poetry, and how I see grief as something both Nicholas and I made.
