Unbound

Nicholas, I called Jacob because I can’t call you. Your best friend felt like the next best thing. And it took him a moment to realize that it wasn’t a butt dial and I was trying to talk. I hate when the orangutan of grief plucks at my vocal cords like it’s trying to keep you all to itself.

Jacob’s voice was soft, like you would have been. 

“Ah, Mrs. Rizzo.” He exhaled into the phone. “ I miss him too.”

Everything dies. Everything will be forgotten. 

It’s just that I don’t want that for you, Nicholas.  

Jacob carries you, as I do; we keep your memory burning. At least while we are all here, there will be wood on your fire. 

I can tell Jacob feels the hollow where your voice sits, and the hairs on his arm feel for where you should be. 

It's been almost two years, babe. That fact rattles my bones. 
“You gotta find the good in the world,” Jacob said. “You told me to go find the good.”

I opened my mouth, but words were the wrong size. I wanted to tell Jacob that your echo is something good but I’m not sure that is real. 

I miss you, Nicholas. Somedays it’s a fight to stay here. 

On Awaken Your Soul’s Journey, Angela Clement and I had a deep heart-to-heart. This conversation felt like a nudge from Nicholas. Angela and I met on a podcast service, and in the middle of our conversation, Angela shared that she was interviewing me from Grand Junction, right near Nicholas’s college dorm and the soccer pitch where he played. 

I miss you Nicholas, and I do see the good. 

You can listen on to Angela Clement and me on: 

YouTube https://youtu.be/sij1ve7YvV4?si=gBFD4RVrtOMxj6yX

ApplePodcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-trimesters-of-grief-with-katie-rizzo/id1724654907?i=1000776547821

Or Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Af59mziI34btKDC2e2o7J?si=Qz_-Hv7LQlCx3Vh-DWtfag